Holiday Dismay.

I have a habit of remembering lines from films, only the poignant ones though.
This Christmas I was reminded of a line from ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’. The line ‘we accept the love we think we deserve’ has never been more real to me as it has been over the holiday period.
Having to spend Christmas and New Years alone was hard for me. The Japanese say you have three faces; your public face, the one you show your closest friends and the one you never show anyone. I think it’s safe to say that the Japanese are an oppressed people in many social ways, and I think that’s why this rings true for me, because I spent my childhood oppressed and was forced to express myself by the clothes I wore and the music I listened to in the privacy of my own room.
The truth is that this Christmas, my public face said ‘I’m okay with being alone on Christmas, I’m not even Christian’ and the face I showed my close friends was that I was ‘upset but fine.’
But in all honesty, it was the hardest point of my year. Not only did it refresh old wounds with my family but it also made me feel ‘less than’ when I was passed up by one of my closest friends for their other, more entertaining, interesting and fun friends. It happens obviously, but I put so much of myself into friendships that the effect it had was painful and unwarranted. But the worst part of it was the fall out afterwards, how petty everything turned, and knowing that no one really understood why I was so hurt because of the indifference of my public face.
Fuck Christmas, Fuck new years, but what I won’t do anymore is think that I deserve a part time affection when the relationships I try to maintain are a full time job.
When the people I care about hurt, it’s difficult to separate the pain I feel for them, with my own pain, this leads me to try and relate my pain with theirs. My closest friends can see my private face through the ones that I show them because they know me.
All I will say is that, to those of you who have always been there, whether I’ve been a bore, or a recluse, or even in my toughest emotional times, you will always, ALWAYS have my love, Even when I hate And to those of you that couldn’t see my pain despite being two inches from it. We’re done.


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